i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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