I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
