You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
