LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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