I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
