My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i think i have two assholes
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
