i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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