I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
