Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sorry about my life...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
