for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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