from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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