So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
