There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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