is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
