how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
