Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
