Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
