I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
