So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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