I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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