Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
its not stalking. its research.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
