...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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