Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
