I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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