Apparently you make a good broom.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
