I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The best revenge is premature balding
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
