I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize