I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Text me some of your sweat
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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