Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
