Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
