Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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