I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
