I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize