I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
as a side note pls kill me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
