Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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