I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
