Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
