yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
