Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
