My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
