i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
