don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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