Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
