my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just found puke in my bra..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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