She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
