I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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