i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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