if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
