i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
