I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Life is so much better after having sex.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
