I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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