Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
