Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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