why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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