We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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