Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize