She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
