I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
