im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
