there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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