awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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