I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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