Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
