Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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