I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
